Your 2010 Review

In a little less than 15 hours we will welcome in the year 2011.  On what my father calls "erev" ( which means day before) new years eve, I've always liked to do an assessment of my year in review.  I'll acknowledge all the great things I've accomplished, reminisce about the great moments, and look at my choices in general.  I rarely look back at my year and call anything I did a mistake.  Why?  Well our choices shape our experiences, which help us grow.  Maybe we made a choice and it helped us find a great path or person; but maybe that choice led us down the wrong road.  If the latter occurred, we simply steer clear of that choice again.  Choices are learning experiences for the better or the worse.  Not many things should be considered mistakes; a mistake lands you in prison, or the hospital.  A good choice or a bad choice help develop your character.  And once again I'll say everything happens for a reason.  Believe me its true.  I find it really destructive when people consider what could have happened if they had done "y" instead of "z."  Instead of focusing on what you cannot control because its in the past (and last I heard the time travel machine from "Back to the Future" was still not available for use) focus on what you can do in this coming year.  You are totally in control of your future.  While you can't predict what choices you will have to make this coming year as a whole, you can a. set a course for which you'd like to follow in general, b. set a course which you'd like to avoid in general and c. make some large goals you'd like to achieve (you'll need to consistently make choices to keep you on track).   So take a look back at your 2010.  Find what made you happy, what you achieved and what you'd like to avoid this coming year.   Set your course for an amazing 2011...there's no better time to start then now!  Happy New Year!!  

Perez Hilton Does Israel

A surprisingly profound and fresh take on a visit to Israel, by a fairly unexpected visitor...check it out
http://perezhilton.com/2010-12-30-exploring-israel-part-5

Free Stock that makes You Rich

I'll be the first to admit that what I'm about to say is incredibly corny; it is also incredibly true.  Anyone in your life who makes you laugh is good stock.  Stock that has both short term and long term growth for your amounts of happiness.  As many of us know, laughing releases serotonin in our brains making us feel good.  So hang on to those who keep the serotonin flowing.

B's Snow Snippets

Being a New Yorker, today I have been confined to my house because of this blizzard.  The Christmas holiday also had me spending more time at home than I normally would on a given weekend.  So here are some of thoughts that came to me during this down time...

1. I have an amazing family, and an amazing relationship with them.  Not once this weekend have I wanted to "escape" or felt trapped being in the house with them.  We have such a fun time together.  I realize I'm lucky to feel this way and that not everyone does.  The truth of the matter is that if your relationship with family is not what you'd like it to be, it is never to late to make it better.  Relationships are not like flowers, even if they "die" they can be revived; it takes effort but is well worth the work.

2. Sitting at home- or in any simple environment and just enjoying the company of who you're with is the true test of any relationship.  My sisters are some of the funniest people I know.  We can be anywhere and have a great time because of their personalities.  When all the fanfare and fancy elements of life are removed from the picture, are you enjoying who you're with?  The test of true mental compatibility lies in doing nothing and being completely happy doing so because of the company of those around you.

3. Slow down a little.  I'm always on the run.  This weekend I was forced to stop the go go go theme of my life, and while I didn't get everything accomplished on my to do list, I got other things accomplished that I never thought about doing.  Relax a little; if it didn't kill me, it won't kill you.  Maybe you'll even enjoy it.

Rose Colored Glasses...To a Degree

When it comes to judging people there's no reason to immediately label them.  Rather approach the situation thinking that they are good and let them prove otherwise.  We are human and therefore mess up from time to time.  So making allowances for mistakes is necessary.  However, if you're seeing repeated patterns of poor behavior, treatment, actions etc. take the rose glasses off and see someone for who they clearly are.  It is so easy to get blinded by initial prejudgments; it is just as easy to lose your grip with reality and let people get away with too much after you've known them for a while.  It's all about allowing yourself to get to know someone and then keeping judgments in check.  People change, or may not reveal everything about themselves in the beginning.  Just make sure you have the proof to label someone as being "x."  Being a fair party to others and yourself requires balance; it is of course hard to achieve but necessary for keeping things positive.  Happy Holidays to those celebrating! 

Tough Love For Yourself

Being hard on yourself isn't always a bad thing!  Why?  Well when we "beat ourselves up" it is often because we've acted outside of what our conscience tells us is right.  Or, we may not be functioning at the standard we hold ourselves to.  So we do some self scolding.  But keeping yourself in check through those behaviors can be positive; always striving to be at your best requires some discipline.  Being hard on yourself enters the unhealthy zone when it causes confidence to significantly drop.  We all make mistakes.  Recognize it, fix it and move on.  Staying stuck in the "I'm a {bad person, failure, hopeless case} frame of mind will never move you in a positive direction.  Find your proper degree of tough self love and let it keep you living at your peak.

Giving Up Before It's Begun and Understanding How You've Won

How many times have you wondered why a situation crashed and burned before it even took off?  Recently, a friend of mine was discussing how frustrating dating can be; especially when a guy takes your number and then doesn't call.  Why did he take my number in the first place?  Why didn't he want to give a thought or chance to a second meeting?  Did I do something wrong at the end?  While we can torture ourselves with these questions- which will probably never be answered- there's a bigger picture to be seen. This situation did not work out favorably because of xyz factors.  If such problems exist, would you have wanted to be a part of a dysfunctional situation?  Chances are your answer is no.  So if someone took your number just to be polite, or for the purposes of power, or maybe because he wants to put you in his rotation of ladies (which is large explaining the lack of calling) then it is a GREAT thing that you didn't have to waste any more of your time with this person.  The same applies to most situations where you feel that you've been let down in some way.  If you interview with a company, and the HR rep says that they will call you and they do not, well then you've avoided working at a company that didn't feel you were a proper match.  What does this mean?  You avoided the prospect of working somewhere that doesn't reflect a culture you would thrive in.  You avoided the job misery that so many people are plagued by.  There is something better out there and you've been lucky enough not to waste your time doing otherwise.  Though we often find ourselves initially disappointed by potentially positive situations- we all wind up on the winning side in some facet.  Sometimes the positive attached to the disappointment is not immediately seen, but trust that it is there.  Want what wants you; reject what does not.  Everything happens for a reason!

An Oldie But A Goodie!

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2002-08-04-lifecoach_x.htm

A Tribute to a Postivb Favorite- M. Schneider

Today is the birthday of one of my amazing friends- Melissa Schneider.  I haven't yet written a blog dedicated to someone in my life but why not start now- and what a fabulous start with Melissa.  We were speaking just yesterday when she mentioned that she had been reading my blog and wanted to know when the next post was coming.   The joy I felt when she said that was just overwhelming.  It meant so much that she takes time from her schedule to follow my activity- I know she really cares and it's really touching.  The compliment she gave me by mentioning her avid following my writing just made my day so much better.  She contributes to the positive energy in my life that keeps me who I am.  Not only is she a concerned friend, she is also generous, hysterically funny, ridiculously fun, resourceful, brilliant, stylish (although not an internal part of her, something that must be mentioned) and just such a real and down to earth person.  She exemplifies the type of friend you want to have in your life.  I strongly suggest that if you don't have a Melissa in your life- go find one IMMEDIATELY.  Happy Birthday Melissa! You only deserve the best that life has to offer! xo

It's How You Say It

It has been absolutely FREEZING in New York this week- I mean painfully cold.  Yesterday while walking to get my lunch I was so taken by the cold that I started repeating in my head Oh My G-d it's so cold...over and over and over again.  I continued to feel colder and colder.  Later on I went back outside, and for whatever reason I didn't feel the bite in the air and said to myself wow it's so much warmer outside.  I didn't secure my scarf or put my hood up- it honestly felt about 10 degrees warmer to me.  Last night when getting out of my car and walking toward my destination I remember thinking here I go back into the tundra, and what followed was that feeling of severe cold.  However, later on when I went back outside- when it would logically be colder I said to myself "hm not feeling so bad anymore" and then what followed was a normal walk to the car and not a dart as I had done just a few hours ago.  It got me thinking about the effect the words I was telling myself had on my perception of the weather.  I remember checking the thermometer in the car only to see that there was a variation of 1-2 degrees up and down within these time periods.  Certainly those degrees do not create great enough of a difference to feel more or less cold.  I decided that I had influenced my feelings on the weather with the words I said.  I was discussing this with my mom and she brought up a similar example.  She said that when my sisters and I were babies learning to walk, if we fell and she reacted with shrieks of nervousness we would automatically cry harder.  However, if we fell and she came to us with a smile we would barely cry.  The book As a Man Thinketh  discusses the idea that the direction of our thoughts influences how we feel and behave.  Certainly actually expressing ideas- by speaking them as I did in my example- has a similar impact.  So with this in mind we can essentially talk ourselves into feeling a certain way about something, both in a positive or negative direction.  We all encounter disappointing situations, if we say to ourselves, this did not work out in my favor but I still have "x" good thing going right now.  Or I didn't get the results I was hoping for with this project but now I know what changes to make which will yield a better outcome...then essentially we are putting our minds in a positive place.  When you play the poor me fiddle, a sad you emerges.  Take control of your positivity... and speak or think in that direction.  You'll be pleasantly surprised at the results.  Feeling great beats feeling awful- a both captain obvious but captain true statement.  Go for the former. 

I Don't Need Super-sized McDonalds, or Miracles for that Matter

Happy Hanukkah to all my Jewish readers!  I'm also Jewish, and this holiday has inspired my post for today.  Just a few days ago, I was having a conversation with someone who was having a bad week.  In the spirit of Hanukkah I said maybe you'll get a Hannukah miracle before the week is done.  This person then said that this problem wasn't big enough to require a miracle to fix it.  So he associates miracles with tremendously big occurrences; but isn't Hanukkah the celebration of a small miracle happening?  A candle burned for 8 nights.  So while the actual event was not something major, the impact from this occurrence was indeed TREMENDOUS.  Many of us probably feel that we haven't had a miracle in our lives, but the reality of the situation is that we have had miracles occur.  Think about what components of your life bring you joy.  My friend's bring so much positivity to my life.  Most of those closest to me I met in college.  I originally had a lot of reservations about attending Hofstra.  It turned out to be one of the greatest decisions I ever made.  If I had not chosen that school, then I probably wouldn't have had made some of my best friends.  My life may not have been the same, and as scary as it is to think about that, it is also a MIRACLE that I chose Hofstra.  Is there a correlation between choice and miracles? Why not?  Isn't it a miracle in this instance that my mind swayed in the favor of Hofstra? YES.   Another example of a miracle in my life is my family.  I have the most incredible parents and sisters.  I am not trying to brag, I am recognizing how lucky I am to be surrounded by these people.  I was given an amazing family and it is a huge miracle.  So I've just named two facets of my life that I call miracles.  Did an ocean part for me? No.  The miracle doesn't have to be huge to be a miracle.  It is simply something makes your life better which you can deem to be miracle status.  Now consider everything in your life that qualifies as a miracle, the results should happily surprise you.      

Procrastination's best friend- Accountability

"I'll do it tomorrow."  "I'll start in an hour."  "Just 5 more minutes."  You've all probably found yourselves saying phrases like this throughout life.  Procrastination is rooted deeply in all of them.  Most teachers or bosses try to instill that procrastination is bad for us.  I disagree.  I think it depends on how you operate under pressure.  Over the years I've found that anything I turned out, when produced in a minimally pressured situation was not always my best work.  I thrive under pressure.  If there's a deadline to be met, I never question if I will actually get X done; it will be done, and done well with the added stress from time constraints.  I suppose I'm lucky in this way.  I know several other people who also benefit from pressurized situations.  However, I also know other people who shut down or freak out when pressure exists.  Clearly procrastinating is the enemy for this group and should be avoided.  But back to my fellow pro- procrastination people, yes we're lucky enough to be able to take that extra 15 minute break but still get the job done, but there are specific conditions when procrastination is bad for us as well.  Think back to school when the paper was due at 8 AM, it was 1 AM that morning and you had nothing more than an intro paragraph on your computer screen.  So you grabbed some Redbull and Skittles (I've never been able to look at skittles the same after one all nighter) and you chugged out a work of art by 8 AM that morning.  Victory!  You beat the odds and everyone who doubted a 15 page paper could be produced in that amount of time.  You raced the clock and won.  Let's change the scenario a bit: You had a 15 page paper to write, and no deadline at all.  Maybe you had given yourself a deadline of 2 weeks to write it, but you were the only person who you had to answer to in this matter.
Me: Gosh I've just been really busy these past two weeks, I can't meet this two week deadline.
Me: Okay, no problem.  As much time as you need.
There's no race against the clock here.  There's no pressure on your back for completion.  There's no stress motivating you to push forward under the gun.  Procrastination wins here- not you.  What am I getting at?  The key ingredient to being an effective procrastinator is having some type of accountability. Unless you are really afraid of yourself, making you the voice to answer to simply does not work.  I know that I was only able to make strides toward changing my career when I began working with a life coach.  I had tried to motivate myself on my own, and as rah rah as I am, I simply could not produce results.  But, when I had someone to answer to, someone setting deadlines and goals for me, it was a whole different ball game.  I HAD TO GET THINGS DONE.  tI was honestly too embarrassed to present a sub-par excuse about not completing different tasks.  So what if my motivation wasn't self driven?  I achieved what needed to be done because accountability was in the picture.  So find some accountability and then procrastinate happily!

Thanksgiving

What I find to be most thankful for are those things I take for granted.  What do you take for granted?  What are you thankful for?  There is always something, though not always apparent that is a blessing in our lives.  Take the time to recognize one thing you feel lucky to have.  Gratitude is filled with limitless positivity.  Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for all of you who read my blog :)

Sunday Brunch for Thought #2

I realize that it's a bit past brunch time, but work with me anyway.  Again another pearl of genius from Larry Winget's novel Shut Up, Stop Whining & Get a Life comes this Sunday's food for thought...

"Stress comes from knowing what is right and doing what is wrong."

One word- ABSOLUTELY!  We beat ourselves up inside the hardest when we consciously know we are doing the wrong thing.  The ugly result of this is stress.  So what lesson do we take away from this?  We can avoid stress if we just do the right thing.  Easy? Not always.  Effective at stress elimination?  Undoubtedly so.  I'm a big fan of doing anything to avoid wrinkles (stress' physical mark on our bodies).  Take the face-lift off your 50 year to-do list, and act accordingly.

You're Never Too Old To Dance on a Couch

I just got back from a Miami vacation.  I absolutely love that place!  It's like my home away from home being that I'm so familiar with it and some of my amazing friends live there.  Miami is also the home to one of my favorite dance spots in the world- MYNT.  The music is just perfect there and I HAVE to dance from the moment I step inside.  My girlfriends and I are big picture takers.  We love to document all of these special occasions- and yes we may overdo the photos at times, but at least we will always have the memories.  I posted this weekend's album on facebook and I immediately got a few comments from people like "gee looks like you had a GOOD time" but not in a sincere or jealous voice.  This statement was said in a disapproving tone.  I looked back at the album and wondered what was so scandalous about the pictures I posted?  All I could see that may have looked a little "wild" was one photo from a bachelorette party I went to; in the photo there was a hot pink male body part.  Is that so offensive and crazy?  It was a BACHELORETTE PARTY after all!  Then there are a few pictures of my friends and I standing on the couches in the night club.  Does standing on a couch really scream out- CRAZY, OUT OF CONTROL, REBELLIOUS PERSON?  I'll be honest- it gets pretty crowded in these venues and so instead of being knocked into and having my tan suede shoes ruined by a cranberry juice based drink, I avoid the pushing, shoving, toe-stepping-on, and spillage by taking a step up to safety (aka the couch).  I like it up there.  It's more airy, roomy and I have a great view.  Standing on the couch allows me to focus on and enjoy the music and experience in general.  It helps me have more fun.  Does that mark me as an irresponsible, wreck-less, immature person? Absolutely not.  When was an age limit imposed on enjoying yourself?  The answer is: it wasn't; however it seems that an unwritten code exists saying it is wrong to have too much fun after a certain age.  I'll qualify that too much fun could fall in the category of truly wreck-less behaviors such as drug use or any illegal activity. But last I checked standing on a piece of furniture or staying out late doesn't put me at risk for arrest.  Recently I've been attending/reading a lot about bringing back enjoyment/fun to adult life.  It really saddens me that as we get older our levels of fun seem to diminish.  And then after being starved of this fun, we try to bring it back to our lives at full force.  Often times bad situations occur because we push the limits as we try to achieve that ultimate experience.  Denying yourself fun is like going on an extreme diet.  Maybe you'll stick to it for a while, but after a certain period of time you'll give in and binge on what you've been missing.  Why live a life so out of balance?  Go ahead and enjoy yourself!  Do the things that bring you joy no matter how silly or out of current character they may seem.  Those who judge you are probably just jealous or angry from a lack of fun in their lives.  Dancing on a couch doesn't make you an immature person; but trying to sabotage someone's fun does.

You Can't Give to Get

Have you ever heard of the theory that there are no selfless acts?  I can sum it up by saying that there's a notion which says that the personal satisfaction you get from doing something good for another person takes away the element of selflessness because you feel enjoyment.  For example, I pick up my friend from the roadside after her car breaks down.  The theory would say that I might feel good about helping my friend and that good feeling negates the selfless act.  I guess Mother Theresa was nothing more than an over indulgent self satisfier in her day- but I digress.  Feeling good about helping someone is not so much an issue.  What is an issue is that people will do favors for other people with the expectation of reciprocation. (I know those are fancy words but I enjoy a rhyme every now and then)  This type of thought is plain unfair and truly negates the act of doing a good deed.  All too often I hear people complain about how much they go out of their way for xyz person and then when the tables are turned the same help doesn't occur.  If you are looking to depend on people when you are in a bind there is a simple answer- GET DEPENDABLE FRIENDS.  Offering help/doing favors has no implication that the same will be done for you.  So unless you're having potential helpees (you being the helper) sign contracts stating that helping is a reciprocal action, there is no guarantee that Joe will come help change your tire even though you helped him last week.  There is no direct or indirect correlation between how much help you give and receive.  So help 1 or 100 people- whatever feels right to you.  Give freely, give generously, give happily...just understand that you aren't subliminally helping yourself by helping others.

Planning the Positive

I'm a huge planner!  I like to have a specific idea of what I will be doing...when I'll be doing it...and all the logistics in place from A to Z.  This skill has been truly helpful in my life and I don't really need to explain why.  However, being the proverbial planner does have its downsides.  I'm rarely spontaneous or unexpected.  It's very difficult for me to do the whole go with the flow thing- but in the last few years I have been trying to work on this.  The attempt to be more spontaneous got me thinking about what other problems being a planner could have caused.  In some of my posts I mentioned that I'm an instant gratification person.  This quality definitely played a role in me being a planner.  If I make a logical plan then there's no reason why the end result shouldn't occur at the very moment it's supposed to right? WRONG! All my steadfast planning pals know how frustrating, disappointing, aggravating and upsetting it is when a plan doesn't work out properly.  Maybe the plan had some holes?  Maybe it was built on a weak foundation? Maybe it was truly unrealistic but we ignored that factor?  However when it doesn't work out- the point is just that.  Then the distraught planner is left to pick up the pieces and figure out how to calmly continue on without ripping a chuck of hair out.  What's the answer?  Stop planning altogether?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  That action would be too much for a planner to handle.  Rather, make your plan, but leave some gaps.  Create a few outcome choices.  Give more time buffers.  Make the plan realistic.  If you are surrounded with people who only plan, go find some free spirited humans and hang around them for a while.  You'll find that no matter how hard you try to plan and execute, nothing goes according to plan when one party wants to chase the wind.  I've been lucky to have some close people in my life who like to plan NOT to plan.  This has taught me so much and normalized me a bit more. The whole point is to avoid trapping ourselves in the discouraged/negative zone when the plan doesn't work.  So make your plan and then plan for it not to be followed to a "T."  Your sanity will thank you tenfold.

Believing in Luck v. Making it

When it comes to "luck" there are two main beliefs.  One thought is that it simply comes to you in the form of an effortless "gift"; the other is that you are responsible for the luck occurring.  While these two theories seem like they stand on opposite ends of the fence, I like to look at luck as a fusion of the two.  What do I mean by this?  Well when good things come to us we often just concentrate on the "thing" itself and not what brought this luck to us.  When you believe in luck it is likely that you are a positive person.  You are probably emitting a positive energy which is felt by others around you.  This energy will create more favorable situations for you- this idea is expanded upon in the book The Secret.  So when you believe in luck, you're radiating good energy and making conditions for lucky instances to occur.  I'll illustrate this theory with a clear example.  As you may have seen from many of my other blogs I like to use the whole "getting a job" situation as illustration points simply because it is easy to relate to and rather applicable to our economic times.  So you're in the market for a job.  Maybe you're unemployed or currently working but either way you're looking for a change.  It's tough out there (sorry to state the obvious); but despite the conditions you're staying positive thinking that something good will come your way.  In your mind you are thinking that you'll find luck in your job search.  This translates into you walking around happy, optimistic and more importantly not depressed and negative about the situation.  Maybe you're at a department store and start talking to a random shopper standing next to you in line.  The positive energy inside you makes you attractive to the person you're speaking to (not necessarily in a sexual way).  This person enjoys the interaction simply because of your good vibes which stem from your belief in luck.  Maybe during the conversation it comes up that you're looking for a job.  In two weeks maybe you get a call from the very person you spoke to at the mall saying a good friend of hers is looking to fill a position at her company. Then BOOM you're at an interview and get the job.  Your positive energy from belief that luck will come made this situation possible; essentially you made the luck from your belief in it.  So next time you see someone "effortlessly" finding himself in favorable (or lucky) situations evaluate how positive this person is; chances are this isn't some strange cosmic coincidence.  

Become Great from Becoming Uncomfortable

I just came back from a long weekend of the Tony Robbins seminar Unleash the Power Within.  It was  really great; I learned a lot of valuable life lessons.  One I must share is the secret to making a change- it's the act of getting uncomfortable.  Think of a situation in your life which you would like to be different.  Lets say its your job.  You're a receptionist at a dentist's office.  You've been working there for 2 years and you realize that you have more potential than this.  But the job pays the bills and you're comfortable there.   You have thought about starting that business you thought of last year, but never made any moves toward that.  There's no burning motivation to make the change, so you don't  make it.  Let's say though you walk in one day and your boss tells you that you're no longer allowed to sit down for the work day and that he's cutting your pay by 25%.  Not so comfortable anymore right?  Now you're probably really reassessing whether or not you should be working there.  Chances are that you'll be considering starting that business much more seriously now; or at least looking for what better options exist for you.  When humans experience discomfort they are much more likely to seek out options which diminish the pain.  So maybe your boss won't take you chair away tomorrow; but you can be in charge of creating the discomfort.  Set a higher standard, make a new goal, find some factor that creates enough friction inside you which sparks you to take action.  The old adage "no pain, no gain" couldn't be anymore true.  Make that your new motto for becoming outstanding.

A Brilliant Bit

Larry Winget author of Shut Up, Stop Whining and Get a Life is a book that I HIGHLY RECOMMEND...I love the tough love tell it like it is approach.  One of the most amazing quotes in the book is...

"In order to make positive changes in your life, you first have to get negative about your life."

Think about this one for some Sunday brunch for thought.  Lots of posts this week- PROMISE!

The Positive Costume

Halloween happens to be one of my favorite holidays for a variety of reasons.  I have some sentimental value attached to the holiday in addition to the fun of dressing up.  Stepping into a different identity for a short time can be really refreshing.  The act can even help us discover something about ourselves that has been missing from our lives.  For example, I dressed up as a ballerina; it got me thinking about how much I loved dancing when I was younger and how I don't do it enough.  Now I'm feeling compelled to go out and incorporate dancing into my leisure activities.  And so, I've added variety to my life and increased the number of activities to do on my feel good list.  Should it only be once a year that we step outside of our routine selves and possibly find another aspect of joy to add to our lives?  Absolutely not!  Routine has many positive aspects but it can also create boredom; feeling bored is negative.  So I propose that on a more frequent basis we impose a halloween type day or event for ourselves.  Step outside the box. Experience life in a new way; you never know what you might find and who it could make you become.  The next great you might be a costume change away.  Happy Halloween!

P.S. I love indulging in candy on Halloween (and any other chance I get) but I'm not always feeling so positive about myself after the sugar rush ends.  For tips and advice on loving your candy and body check out this blog: http://nutrishlin.wordpress.com 

website!

Sorry for not having posted in forever...I have been feverishly redesigning my website...take a look!
www.bethsmolen.com

also...as frightening as it is I have a twitter...if youre on twitter too lets follow each other- BethSLifeCoach

Chasing what chases you.

There are so many sayings about the idea of "chasing" or "working hard" to get something.  One major belief is that if something doesn't present itself as a challenge then its probably not going to be very satisfying when it is received.  This is certainly true in some cases.  The more work we put into getting to that goal, the greater amount of satisfaction we feel.  For example, studying for a licensing exam is generally a task that people will put their sweat and tears into.  When passing results are received, people go into an understandably euphoric state because the dream they were chasing became a reality.  What about when it comes to the relationship world?  Does chasing or working hard have the same applications? Before I give my thoughts on that, I'd just like to preface this whole post with the fact that I'm a big believer on working hard, feeling stressed and working through less than pleasant conditions to see achievement.  I also believe that not every undertaking is worth someone's time.  What I mean by this is that when you set a goal in mind, whatever it may be, the path you travel through to achieve the goal may be difficult, but as long as there are some encouraging markers along the way then you are on the right track.  To apply this to my licensing exam example: you may have lost tens of hours of valuable sleep, not eaten so well, felt stressed and neglected other areas of life; but if you were also learning new information, solidifying the material in your mind and feeling productive (even at the slightest bit) then the end is worth the means.  Now, lets look at any type of relationship through the same lens.  You are trying to reconnect with an old friend.  Scenario 1: you and old friend are trying to make plans but you keep missing each others calls.  Then when you finally speak your schedules are totally off.  For weeks or months you cannot find a time that works for both of you, yet there is effort on both your parts to try to make a plan.  This chasing is frustrating, but is double sided, so both parties are taking an interest in working toward the same goal.  Scenario 2: you and old friend are trying to make plans.  You are doing all the calling, he doesn't pick up the calls and is not calling back.  Maybe you make a plan, but he cancels last minute and doesn't suggest trying to reschedule.  This is single sided chasing.  This same scenario can also be applied to romantic relationships as well.  Point is, during this journey to meet the end goal of having a plan, if you are experiencing challenges but so is the other party, then at least you can see the positive in that both of you are working with the same goal in mind.  However, if you are working hard toward making plans that the other party has no interest in, where is that bit of encouragement that tells you to pursue this goal further?  It isn't there.  This goal is not worth your effort.  Chasing is perfectly fine.  Getting what you want can take work.  Just always be sure to find the positivity or encouragement that justifies any chasing at all.

Achievement

Achievement no matter how big or small is still the result of accomplishing something.  Let go of any hang ups about the magnitude of achievement; just get it done.

Everything Happens for a Reason- My Way

Everything happens for a reason is one of the sayings that I live my life by.  I cannot express how absolutely valid this statement is when it comes to almost any situation.  I remember once using the expression when I was driving in the car with someone and he made a wrong turn.  I tried to explain that there was some sort of reason as to why it wasn't meant that we initially turn in the right direction; he said that this situation wasn't applicable and that it was just a thoughtless act on his part.  I came back with a bunch of examples as to why it may have been a good thing that we didn't make the correct turn at first (clearly positivb is always trying to find the positive points of every situation).  Whether or not it was meant that we drive the wrong way isn't so much the point I'm trying to make.  While I'll live and die by "Everything Happens for a Reason" I won't do so blindly.  What do I mean by this?  Well I simply won't sit comfortably thinking that there's some reason as to why life occurs as it does; I'm proactive so I seek out the reason or possibilities as to why certain things happens and certain things don't.  I feel it is not enough to just passively agree to the "its meant to be reasoning," you must find or at least attempt to create an understanding about a situation where the above saying is used.  After all, any experience has a learning component; so allow yourself to grow and gain understanding from life's twists and turns by taking a proactive approach to "Everything Happens for a Reason."  Today's wrong turn may lead to tomorrows great success; find the meaning behind the mistake.

A Thought

Acting out of character can remind us of who we truly are; or give us clarity as to who we want to be.

Positive Identity

I'm starting to see an unintentional theme in my last few entries.  It seems that I'm discussing the transition from negativity (or feeling not so positive) to a more positive point of view.  So now I'm thinking about the catalyst that puts us in that positive place.  I've discovered that the fuel which drives someone into a better mental state is very different for everyone.  Some people need to be surrounded by those who are upbeat to transition themselves into that feeling.  Others need their own time to process and talk themselves into a better frame of mind.  Maybe its making a change in routine, or talking to a certain someone that causes your mood to shift.  Whatever it may be try to recognize it.  Try to identify that moment or situation in which you feel yourself transition into that lighter side of yourself; that place where you're feeling happy, able and ready to take on what comes next.  This is what I'd like to call your positive identity.  Your unique formula for getting yourself to feel well again.  Take your personal recipe for positivity and keep it handy for a healthier you.  

Motivate a Friend to Motivate You

So you know there are a ton of things you need to do for yourself, but the motivation to do any of these things is just absent at the moment.  Maybe you need a life coach?  But anyhow, you're at the point where you cannot help yourself, so why not help someone else?  It's so much easier to fix up other people's lives/problems compared to your own.  So you do a good deed (mitzvah) and help your friend get motivated to start xyz that he couldn't get going alone.  Now he's flying.  What are you doing?  Maybe now that you motivated someone and saw a positive result you get the feeling that you too can produce your own great results.  Maybe you don't want to be left behind in the race to success?  Maybe motivating someone else is just the remedy you needed to fuel your own motivation?  Why not give it a try?  If nothing else at least you did a mitzvah...and thats pretty positive on its own.

0 to 10 is better than 5 to 8

I've pretty much established the fact that I'm a raving optimist.  My glass is a little more than half full in fact.  But I'm also human and go through the "D" moods (feeling depressed, discouraged & distraught).  Recently I found myself feeling discouraged with so many areas of life; I was feeling that despite all my best efforts no great results were being seen.  It was just one of those times where nothing was progressing or going my way; to make matters worse I even found myself feeling as if I was moving backwards.  Helplessness was definitely starting to set in.  I even thought to myself "I'd just like to resign from life right now."  I wanted to throw my hands up in the air- not for dancing purposes, but simply to give up.  Have you ever felt this way?  Chances are if you classify yourself within the human species you have.  So my status was 0 out of 10 on the scale of life.  Maybe I was being dramatic at the time, but that's how I felt.  Then something amazing happened.  I got a call (I'll explain the content of the call in another posting soon hopefully) and the world turned around.  My efforts in one of the areas I was working on had paid off.  Success!  If I was physically able to bounce (as a friend so cleverly described) I would have.  My happiness and positivity were off the charts- definitely a 10.  So I've had a really great day since then as I continue to feel the rush that this news brought....so now I'm reflecting back on all of this and figuring out what it all means.

First off patience is linked to positivity;  when we expect instant results it is much more likely that we're left feeling negatively about the outcome or lack there of.  I'm an instant gratification gal.  This mentality really leads to feeling discouraged so much more quickly.  I hate feeling down about things.  Knowing that I could have avoided days of negative emotion had I just been a little more patient and believed that my efforts would pay off really bothers me.  This is something I must work on.  Some great things happen in an instant and some take a little or a lot longer; I have to remind myself of this more often.  

Then there's the aftermath of accomplishment (or receiving a good result.)  So now that I've had this one piece of the puzzle fall into place, I'm feeling much more optimistic that the other areas I'm working on will also see the result I'm hoping for.  Again, I need to remind myself to be patient.  But it's really incredible how my attitude has turned from feeling that nothing will be alright to everything will fall into place in its right time.  If I've made the right efforts to get things in order to work, more likely than not they will.  I'm really loving how my attitude has changed about every current endeavor after just one good piece of news.

The fact that I am this elated over this news is tied to how upset I was prior to receiving it.  Had everything else been going really well I would have certainly been happy to get this outcome, but not nearly as happy as I currently am (going from a 5 to an 8.)  I feel so much more appreciative of this great news because I hadn't been getting any for a little while.  This whole rush is really exhilarating.  It makes me feel that while it isn't preferable to feel that life is at a 0, it certainly makes the sweet a lot sweeter.  There's something to be said about feeling as if a breakthrough has occurred.  Generally we don't find ourselves feeling that "wow finally something great" unless we are devoid of that emotion.  Again when you're feeling as if there's no hope, it's hard to remind yourself of how great you'll feel when something good does happen.  After this entire experience I will definitely try to push that thought through my head.  It's a notion that may provide a bit of positivity during a vulnerable time. 

It Sounded Great in Your Head...How does it Sound when its Out?

So you took my advice and took some time for yourself.  You cleared your head, thought without interruption and possibly came up with great ideas or plans.  Now you want to put those plans into action.  Go for it!  But it's always a smart idea to get a second opinion.  It's the same idea as when you think up a joke in your head.  It's the greatest joke ever concocted by a human- up until you tell it to a few people and barely get a chuckle.  Not to say that everything you think up isn't as great as you believe it to be; however a second opinion can really be essential to making a great idea or plan even better.  So go ahead turn to a friend, colleague, mentor, or life coach and share your new thoughts.  Your motivation to carry these ideas out will only skyrocket when outside parties find value in your new concept.

Solitude is Bliss

I came across a song on my ipod that I downloaded in a mix a few months ago.  It's called "Solitude is Bliss" by Tame Impala.  It has a really great laid back california surfer type feel to it (at least I think); but what's really great about the song is the truth of the title.  I consider myself a very social person.  I love and cherish the fact that I have an amazing family and group of friends who bring so much to my life from our interactions.  However, sometimes we need our own time.  I need to stop my endless chatter and just take some quiet time for myself.  Yesterday I spent the whole day with me; I ate, shopped, and lived a good number of hours without any socializing.  It was incredible.  I got to hear my own thoughts without any outside interference (interference isn't a bad thing necessarily).  But the fact that I was able to just truly focus on myself (when I do it so rarely) was a wonderful experience.  The inward reflection really refreshed me.  "Me time" is essential.  You may have the best outside influences and advisors around you but until you can hear your own voice uninterrupted clarity and peace can be difficult to find.  Listen to the Song!

Failure is an option when you make it the only option.

So far I haven't written about an experience that brought so much inspiration to a blog entry.  I just ended a life coaching session with one of the most amazing people I know (whose name I won't reveal for privacy reasons) but not only was this person just beaming after our session but so was I.  Our discussion was about the possibility of failure in the workplace.  We were talking about the likelihood of failure, failure as an option and what could be done to prevent failure from occurring.  While going through the process I realize that when people say "failure isn't an option" it's a really complicated statement.  An option according Merriam- Webster is "an act of choosing."  This means when failure occurs it is because we have chosen to fail.  So unless you are planning to do some self sabotaging, failure is not on the menu of outcomes.  Failure is the worst result, why consider it when you are vying for success?  Failure and success do not belong in the same thought.  If success is a possibility then failure is not.  Failure is simply a default outcome.  The only option I see when it comes to considering failure is to take it off the list.

Positivity and Motivation are Best Friends Forever (and ever)

Motivation is what makes you tick, move, accomplish etc.  Without motivation it's really tough to achieve goals or simply keep moving forward in life.  Staying motivated is rooted in a positive attitude.  If you believe that you'll accomplish the goal that positivity will feed into the motivation needed to complete it.  So yet we find another reason why staying positive is so important.  Positivity ignites the sparks of motivation which in turn push us down the road toward success.  Turn your ignition on.

The "Aha" Moment

Everything happens for a reason.  You may not find this understanding immediatley, but trust that it is there.  Knowing that something better is out there, and the uncertainty as to when it will come adds variety/excitement- embrace it.

The Good Selfish

So many of us try so hard to please everyone without first taking care of the most important person in our lives- ourselves.  Maybe you feel obligated to put others before yourself (a people pleaser).  Maybe you genuinely enjoy seeing other people happy, which in turn makes you happy.  But if there are areas of your life that you need to improve to heighten your own happiness then it is important to attend to those needs first.  After all, a happier you will better serve everyone else.  Don't neglect yourself; you are just as deserving of the positivity that you bring into others lives.  You are number one- now act like it.

Not Up in Here!

Whether you are aware of this or not, you are solely in control of your title.  When people victimize themselves, it is just that- they are attaching the title "victim" to their persona.  No unfortunate circumstance, environment or factor outside of one's thinking has the power to make someone a victim.  It is only when you take pity upon yourself that you become the undesirable victim....isn't this great news?!  It's fabulous that you never essentially have to be a victim or loser or any other product of negative circumstance.  When bad things happen you can easily extract yourself from the victim pitfall by uttering a phrase from one of my favorite movies - The Hangover, "Not Up in Here!"  This translates to- this is not happening or  I won't let this happen.  So now should you find yourself in a bad situation, where maybe some awful circumstances or outcomes have found a way into your life, you can bypass the entire state of despair, just think "NOT UP IN HERE." Then you may begin taking proactive measures to move yourself into a better place, working away from the negative situation or environment;  refuse to make yourself a victim...there's no victim up in here.

Mini things are the new trend...like cupcakes and emotional breakdowns.

Everyone has those moments when things seem too overwhelming or scary or life just seems impossible to cope with at the moment.  While I am PositivB, I am also a real person and understand that when life presents us with tough situations simply saying "ohh everything will be fine" and not dealing with any of anxiety is really impossible; not to mention repressing these feelings is also just unhealthy.  So I propose that in moments of extreme stress have a "mini meltdown," more specifically one that lasts no more than 3 minutes give or take.  Heres why this works so well:  In having this mini emotions-fest you can release that tension which is pervading every fiber of your being while at the same time not wasting an unnecessary amount of time wallowing in your own self pity.  As important as it is to release the tension that you're feeling, it is also important to proactively tackle the problem.  The anxiety will only truly go away when the problem is resolved.  Three minutes allows for that release without cutting into the law of diminishing returns.  Those first few minutes when you let your emotions run wild will be much more gratifying than those coming later on.   There's no need to waste more time feeling less relief after you've let out a good yell or had a good cry for 3 minutes. So when the world just seems to be too much to handle take a step back have a mini meltdown, then grab a mini-cupcake (or your favorite dessert of choice) and tackle the issue.   

Decisions Decisions

When we have to decide whether or not to do something, also known as saying "yes" or "no" it seems that there are only 2 choices we can pick from.  But there is actually a third- complete avoidance of making a decision at all.  We try to avoid dealing with the negative by completely dodging the decision making process altogether.   This may seem like a quick fix, but it is actually worse than simply rejecting an  idea.  Blatantly ignoring someone by not responding can stir up feelings of anger (ie. they may feel you dont consider them important enough to give a response to)  from response requesting party- anger that could have been easily avoided.  Life is a little messy, we cannot please everyone, and yes sometimes by making a choice we may end up having to face the unpleasant music.  However the positive part about saying no to an idea is that at least you have made a decision; you have shown that you possess character and more importantly a backbone.  Without a backbone you are just a jellyfish- you are better than a jellyfish, so make a decision!

Compliments

When someone pays you a compliment you have two roads you may take with it, either accept it happily or wonder what is the hidden agenda behind this compliment?  All too often we take the latter path, killing the joy or positivity that the compliment could impart on our soul.  Why attach a negative stigma to something that could essentially brighten your day or make you smile?  You deserve the happiness, so throw away your dissection tools and reap the benefits of compliments given to you.  Compliments are one of life's financially free and calorie free treats- enjoy one today.

Forever Young

Everyday try to laugh at something completley immature; no feeling replaces that of feeling young.

Positivity Found

The idea of positive versus negative classification of any element of life is fairly easy to understand at its most basic level.  As we go through life our minds are constantly categorizing our experiences as being positive or negative.  The outcome of feeling that a certain experience has either enhanced or diminished our life has a significant impact on how we interact with the world.  The feelings accompanied with positivity create a natural attraction.  Simply put, when you meet someone who complains or is initially melancholy it is normal to want to remove yourself from this person's presence.  Conversely when meeting someone who is passionate, energetic and just filled with joy it is common to gravitate back toward that person.  This is greatly expanded upon in the book The Secret which discusses the whole law of attraction.

It is certainly not always easy to be that happy go lucky figure all the time.  In fact it would not be normal to only experience feelings related to the positive side of life; after all how would we know what is positive if we did not know of anything negative.  However, it is important to try and draw positivity out of any situation despite how negative the experience may be as a whole.  Food poisoning from a restaurant?  Well you will not be going back to that establishment and thus are preventing another instance of that from occurring in the future.  A breakup with a significant other?  First off nothing is ever set in stone when it comes to relationships, but chances are you did learn a great deal about what you need/want/will give in the next relationship to make it more successful.  Loss of money?  Chances are you will be able to recognize and avoid the situation which caused the loss and thus prevent a future loss from occurring in the same way.  It is all essentially about growing from experience and allowing mistakes (or the negative) to lead us to an ultimately higher quality of life.  If you can take away one positive point from every negative experience then you not only grew but also increased your level of attractiveness.

It is not about running around with a permanent smile tattooed to your face but more so understanding that if it didn't kill you then you survived and that in itself is something positive.

Happy Jew Year...I'm UP!