Tightrope Walking

In my Sunday brunch for thought I addressed the topic of doing for other people versus doing for yourself. The balance between keeping your life in order while helping those around you is forever changing.  The lulls and peaks of excitement, stability and chaos in our lives our unpredictable.  Those conditions either enable or prevent us from giving time to others (unless we do while sacrificing our time to ourselves.)  How many times have you felt obliged to help someone even though you know that time is really needed to accomplish your own goals?  Are you really doing the right thing by sacrificing yourself for the sake of someone you want to help?  Of course it depends on the situation, but in general (excluding severe emergency cases) depriving yourself of what you need will surely arise as an issue sooner or later.  You may even end up holding a grudge against the person you helped.  How often have you heard yourself think ' I could have been doing x for myself instead of doing y for her and she isn't even appreciative!'  Thoughts like that mean that you should have just helped yourself.  No one you've given assistance to wants to hear that suddenly you've become a martyr after your acts of kindness.  Taking care of yourself is really a priority in the general scheme of life.  Now when you decline to help or give time to someone else but actually have the capacity to do so is another story.  How many times have you heard yourself make a bunch of excuses aka reasons as to why you can't help someone?  How many times have you heard that "shoulda, woulda, coulda lingo" when you were asked for something from someone else?  Thoughts like that are red flags for "I'm lazy and I don't care."  If you're striking the right balance between giving to yourself and others then you probably aren't having thoughts like those.  Since we are in a constant state of fluctuation it is so important for us to pay attention to what streams through our head.  Balance isn't easy to keep but if you stay true and fair to yourself- and those around you chances are the scales won't tip too much.

Sunday Brunch for Thought

Striking the balance between doing for yourself and doing for others is extremely difficult.  What is your personal gage for knowing that you're being a little to selfish versus selfless?  Which side of the scale do you find yourself on more often?

Happiness and Dominos

I'd like to thank Nicole B. for helping me come up with this post.

Have you ever asked someone what they do for a living, they give a one word answer, miserable facial expression and move on.  Not only have I seen people do this- I used to do this.  I was unfulfilled in my old career in so many ways, and it really became apparent when others asked me about it.  Not only was I reminded of how disconnected I felt from my job, but people were not interested in continuing a conversation with someone who seemed relatively unhappy.  I completely changed once I began my coaching career.  Now people say I "light up" when I talk about my work; this reaction makes them more interested in speaking to me and the result is that in new social situations I handle myself well.  Being a more socially inclined gal, making new friends and interacting in a positive, magnetic way makes me a happier person.  So essentially, finding a fulfilling career has caused other areas of my life (in this example social activity) to also become enhanced.  This is where happiness meet dominos.  This is where the chain reaction of happy causes happy takes effect.  This is why it is so important that you love what you do.  Now whether that is making some small adjustments to your current work or completely changing your career depends on your situation.  But you can be certain that the benefits of "lighting up" about your work will span far beyond the career piece in your life.

Turning Pain into a Game

I apologize for stating the obvious- everyone has certain activities/chores/routines that they simply hate doing.  You dread having to do "x."  In fact you think about what other awful activities you'd be happier doing than "x."  The bad news is that unless "x" is can be completely eliminated from your life without any negative repercussions, there's just no avoiding it.  I'll use my own personal example of having to clean off the clothing on the chair in my room.  The hanging/refolding the clothing is  not enjoyable for me; on top of the fact that this chair just magically seems to refill itself within two days.  What am I even bothering to clean the clothing off of it for if it won't remain clean a few days later.  (Clearly this chore really irritates me.)  Now I'll return back to my Positivb state and offer a solution to lessen the pain of such activities.  Why not challenge yourself to make these undesirable activities a little more tolerable (or even fun) for you.   Better yet, make this process into a game.  So back to my example, I turned the cleaning off my chair into a race against the clock.  I allotted 2 minutes to get all the items folded or hung up.  If I was able to stay within the time frame I gave myself a reward like 15 extra minutes of facebook time (don't mock me, we all do it.)  Now after doing this do I look forward to cleaning off my messy chair?  No.  However, the task becomes fun when it needs to, and I'm a little less aggravated or overwhelmed by the activity.  Another way to put a positive spin on an annoying activity is to use it as a break when you need one.  For example, sometimes when I'm writing or doing other work I slow down after a while.  I feel like I'm not getting anywhere and I know I need to do something else to get my mind working properly again.  Now I really hate filing away papers.  However, when I'm at the point where I desperately need a low brain level activity, filing is perfect.  So I use an NLP technique and create an anchor that illustrates filing as an activity done to recharge my brain.  Do I now love the filing?  No.  However, I do love the break that it gives me when I really need one.  So embrace the child in you and play the game of making the dreaded tasks enjoyable.  Ready, set, GO!

Sunday Brunch for Thought

Well we've finally done it- Spring is here!  I've had a countdown going since the day winter began.  The shift to Spring (in my opinion) is probably the most significant season change toward the positive.  The season is associated with fresh beginnings, brightness, and lightness.  All those characteristics are certainly great motivational tools.  I find that motivation for change/improvement is heightened when another part of our environment also changing.  This means that the start of Spring is a prime time to push yourself in that new place you've been wanting to go.  The perfect time to make those improvements that have been lingering in your mind all winter long.  The perfect time to face, meet and conquer the challenges that stand in your way.  Making even small changes for the better can get your Spring momentum going.  Once you accomplish one thing on the "to do" list, accomplishing the others seems a lot more likely when you're on a roll.  Take a look at what you're looking to improve about life and then begin by tackling the simplest challenge.  How will you begin this Spring?  What will be your first move toward a fresher, newer, better you?

The Passive-Aggressive Lie

Have you ever felt frustrated by something but hold back voicing your feelings?  Instead, you take the "calmer" approach and mutter snyde remarks under your breath or begin acting cold/distant/detached.   Here's where the passive-aggressive lie comes into play- you aren't mitigating the situation through your little jabs or seemingly unaffected behaviors, you're actually only making it worse.  Let's look at a real world example.  Your co-worker Jane is really getting on your last nerve.  You guys are working on a presentation and she keeps slacking off.  But you don't want to cause any friction among the two of you so you let your anger fester.  It slowly comes out in the form of side comments directed at her which are uncalled for.  Then Jane becomes annoyed at your behavior, so on and so forth.  Taking the passive-aggressive approach did just one thing- created another problem.  Initially you were the only team member who had a problem, but since you didn't voice your frustration, the annoyance leaked out and caused Jane to become angry with you.  Being passive-aggressive really tempered all possibilities of a bad outcome here right?  I'm not suggesting that you voice every complaint that pops into your head.  After all, some days we are just in overreact mode; however, if you do have a valid issue then putting it on the table in a rational and cool fashion is the best approach.  Why?  Well if you can make a valid argument for your grievance then it's likely that you will be understood, agreed with and the problem will be fixed (or at least improved upon).  Then you can move on with your day and avoid creating another problem.   Doesn't your problem deserve the spotlight?  Do you really want to lessen its importance by having a second issue to address on top of your own?  People who take a mature approach to addressing their concerns not only actually have the issue dealt with, but they also command a great deal of respect from those around them.  Why not earn this same respect and alleviate your problems from the get go.  Say no to acting like a child by saying no to passive-aggressive behavior. Not only will your problems thank you, but so will everyone else.

Sunday Brunch for Thought

So as we know today we "sprung forward" and lost an hour of sleep; but we are gaining an hour of light for the season to come.  With spring just a week away (for those of you who know about my countdown since December 21st) our world is going to be lighter, brighter and certainly better.  What will you do to make this new season lighter, brighter or better for yourself?

The "Oy" In Joy

Yesterday's brunch post briefly discussed that the word joy has a hidden "oy" or unpleasant expression in its spelling.  What does this mean?  How does this relate to us?  Perhaps most importantly, is Positivb trying to ruin the wonderful word joy?  Well the answer to that last question is certainly not.  However, I do what to bring some clarity to the idea that the road to getting to that place of joy is not always fabulous.  Lets look at this example- summer is coming up and you want to get in shape for swimsuit season.  So a diet and exercise are the prescription here.  Now giving up your favorite foods and going through intense workouts are the "oy" here.  But, when you step out on the beach feeling great about yourself a few months later then there's your joy.  In my coaching work with clients I always explain that the road to creating a better life is not easy- but the final result is well worth the effort.  Besides, the joy we feel from having to endure a bit is certainly greater than the joy we feel from having to barely endure at all.  The ends really do justify the means when feeling joy is concerned.  Tough it out through the "oy" and get excited about feeling the joy.

Sunday Brunch for Thought

The word JOY is a super positive expression of great happiness.  We all generally strive to be in this state and relish the times that it's present in our lives.  The term "oy" is a Yiddish expression which means something to the degree of "oh boy" relating to something unpleasant.  In my new ventures with vocabulary I've been studying and dissecting words and came across "joy."  Being Jewish I immediately saw the oy and then started to think about how "oy" can certainly be a part of Joy.  Tomorrow I'll share my thoughts with you about that.  For today's brunch for thought- how do you see the "oy" in joy?

Words of Choice

I'd like to begin by thanking brilliant Erin Veltman for giving me this topic for today's post.  If any of you ever have ideas for me to write about please email me!

Have you ever found yourself saying, "it sounded a lot better in my head."  Or, have you ever said something and then realized that what came out wasn't what you meant at all? So language- more specifically using language, is one of the most complicated processes in our lives.  In our heads we have this great idea but communicating this idea to the world can be difficult.  In this situation there's no need to blame yourself, blame language instead.  English is very tricky.  Words that are considered "synonyms" are hardly that.  Let's take this example.  Your friend is going on vacation.  You say to her, "Are you prepared for your trip?" or "Are you ready for your trip?"  Think about how those both sound.  The "prepared" hints that there may be a negative element associated with the travel.  While the "ready" hints that the trip will be a positive experience.  Now ready and prepared are considered synonyms, but they certainly don't give the same feel to a sentence.  The feel that your sentences give can make or break your message; this is why it's so important to gain a better understanding and handle on language.  Using words to deliver your intended message will allow your communication to flow more smoothly; it can also increase your persuasive abilities.  There are countless key words that we should use in our vocabularies in place of common words we use without thinking twice.  During my NLP training, we learned about these key words and making better use of our language.  Since that training I can confidently say that swapping certain words for others has given me quite an advantage, perhaps even an unfair one.  This spring I will be doing a workshop teaching those vocabulary secrets.  I will keep you posted on when that will be and if anyone is interested in attending/ receiving more info please email me at beth@bethsmolen.com.  Until then, watch what you say!