Change Clothes and Go

Jay-Z said it best to be honest- a new look can do so much, especially motivation-wise.  In my last post I spoke about spring cleaning.  Well I did my own sorting through of thoughts and realized that as much as I loved this blog it was time to freshen it up for spring so I've moved!  I now own www.positivb.com which is a part of the WordPress community.  I have recopied all the old posts (I guess that counts as a little crazy but I enjoyed it) and now have a lovely crisp white (very fashion forward for spring-summer) page at wordpress.  I want to thank all of you for reading this consistently or whenever you've had time.  I loved this project more than I can say and I'm excited to keep going.  So click on the link www.positivb.com take a look at the new "do" and let me know what you think.  Subscribe to the posts via email so you can keep current, and more importantly enjoy!

Spring Cleaning for Life

The temperatures seem to be heading toward those seasonal numbers- so I'm trying to be positive and think that spring is actually wholeheartedly here.  So many of us clean out or closets, getting rid of what we no longer need for Spring, and then just tossing the old, unwanted or useless items.  Guess what?  Your intangible closet aka your mind is also probably in need of the same type of cleaning.  What better time than now to figure out what isn't working in your life?  What aspects are going to hold you back?  What are you hanging onto that will prevent you from fully living and being happy?  It's time to do that mental clean.  The only way to move yourself into a better place is by freeing yourself of anything negative.  What are you cleaning out of the mental closet?

Tightrope Walking

In my Sunday brunch for thought I addressed the topic of doing for other people versus doing for yourself. The balance between keeping your life in order while helping those around you is forever changing.  The lulls and peaks of excitement, stability and chaos in our lives our unpredictable.  Those conditions either enable or prevent us from giving time to others (unless we do while sacrificing our time to ourselves.)  How many times have you felt obliged to help someone even though you know that time is really needed to accomplish your own goals?  Are you really doing the right thing by sacrificing yourself for the sake of someone you want to help?  Of course it depends on the situation, but in general (excluding severe emergency cases) depriving yourself of what you need will surely arise as an issue sooner or later.  You may even end up holding a grudge against the person you helped.  How often have you heard yourself think ' I could have been doing x for myself instead of doing y for her and she isn't even appreciative!'  Thoughts like that mean that you should have just helped yourself.  No one you've given assistance to wants to hear that suddenly you've become a martyr after your acts of kindness.  Taking care of yourself is really a priority in the general scheme of life.  Now when you decline to help or give time to someone else but actually have the capacity to do so is another story.  How many times have you heard yourself make a bunch of excuses aka reasons as to why you can't help someone?  How many times have you heard that "shoulda, woulda, coulda lingo" when you were asked for something from someone else?  Thoughts like that are red flags for "I'm lazy and I don't care."  If you're striking the right balance between giving to yourself and others then you probably aren't having thoughts like those.  Since we are in a constant state of fluctuation it is so important for us to pay attention to what streams through our head.  Balance isn't easy to keep but if you stay true and fair to yourself- and those around you chances are the scales won't tip too much.

Sunday Brunch for Thought

Striking the balance between doing for yourself and doing for others is extremely difficult.  What is your personal gage for knowing that you're being a little to selfish versus selfless?  Which side of the scale do you find yourself on more often?

Happiness and Dominos

I'd like to thank Nicole B. for helping me come up with this post.

Have you ever asked someone what they do for a living, they give a one word answer, miserable facial expression and move on.  Not only have I seen people do this- I used to do this.  I was unfulfilled in my old career in so many ways, and it really became apparent when others asked me about it.  Not only was I reminded of how disconnected I felt from my job, but people were not interested in continuing a conversation with someone who seemed relatively unhappy.  I completely changed once I began my coaching career.  Now people say I "light up" when I talk about my work; this reaction makes them more interested in speaking to me and the result is that in new social situations I handle myself well.  Being a more socially inclined gal, making new friends and interacting in a positive, magnetic way makes me a happier person.  So essentially, finding a fulfilling career has caused other areas of my life (in this example social activity) to also become enhanced.  This is where happiness meet dominos.  This is where the chain reaction of happy causes happy takes effect.  This is why it is so important that you love what you do.  Now whether that is making some small adjustments to your current work or completely changing your career depends on your situation.  But you can be certain that the benefits of "lighting up" about your work will span far beyond the career piece in your life.

Turning Pain into a Game

I apologize for stating the obvious- everyone has certain activities/chores/routines that they simply hate doing.  You dread having to do "x."  In fact you think about what other awful activities you'd be happier doing than "x."  The bad news is that unless "x" is can be completely eliminated from your life without any negative repercussions, there's just no avoiding it.  I'll use my own personal example of having to clean off the clothing on the chair in my room.  The hanging/refolding the clothing is  not enjoyable for me; on top of the fact that this chair just magically seems to refill itself within two days.  What am I even bothering to clean the clothing off of it for if it won't remain clean a few days later.  (Clearly this chore really irritates me.)  Now I'll return back to my Positivb state and offer a solution to lessen the pain of such activities.  Why not challenge yourself to make these undesirable activities a little more tolerable (or even fun) for you.   Better yet, make this process into a game.  So back to my example, I turned the cleaning off my chair into a race against the clock.  I allotted 2 minutes to get all the items folded or hung up.  If I was able to stay within the time frame I gave myself a reward like 15 extra minutes of facebook time (don't mock me, we all do it.)  Now after doing this do I look forward to cleaning off my messy chair?  No.  However, the task becomes fun when it needs to, and I'm a little less aggravated or overwhelmed by the activity.  Another way to put a positive spin on an annoying activity is to use it as a break when you need one.  For example, sometimes when I'm writing or doing other work I slow down after a while.  I feel like I'm not getting anywhere and I know I need to do something else to get my mind working properly again.  Now I really hate filing away papers.  However, when I'm at the point where I desperately need a low brain level activity, filing is perfect.  So I use an NLP technique and create an anchor that illustrates filing as an activity done to recharge my brain.  Do I now love the filing?  No.  However, I do love the break that it gives me when I really need one.  So embrace the child in you and play the game of making the dreaded tasks enjoyable.  Ready, set, GO!

Sunday Brunch for Thought

Well we've finally done it- Spring is here!  I've had a countdown going since the day winter began.  The shift to Spring (in my opinion) is probably the most significant season change toward the positive.  The season is associated with fresh beginnings, brightness, and lightness.  All those characteristics are certainly great motivational tools.  I find that motivation for change/improvement is heightened when another part of our environment also changing.  This means that the start of Spring is a prime time to push yourself in that new place you've been wanting to go.  The perfect time to make those improvements that have been lingering in your mind all winter long.  The perfect time to face, meet and conquer the challenges that stand in your way.  Making even small changes for the better can get your Spring momentum going.  Once you accomplish one thing on the "to do" list, accomplishing the others seems a lot more likely when you're on a roll.  Take a look at what you're looking to improve about life and then begin by tackling the simplest challenge.  How will you begin this Spring?  What will be your first move toward a fresher, newer, better you?

The Passive-Aggressive Lie

Have you ever felt frustrated by something but hold back voicing your feelings?  Instead, you take the "calmer" approach and mutter snyde remarks under your breath or begin acting cold/distant/detached.   Here's where the passive-aggressive lie comes into play- you aren't mitigating the situation through your little jabs or seemingly unaffected behaviors, you're actually only making it worse.  Let's look at a real world example.  Your co-worker Jane is really getting on your last nerve.  You guys are working on a presentation and she keeps slacking off.  But you don't want to cause any friction among the two of you so you let your anger fester.  It slowly comes out in the form of side comments directed at her which are uncalled for.  Then Jane becomes annoyed at your behavior, so on and so forth.  Taking the passive-aggressive approach did just one thing- created another problem.  Initially you were the only team member who had a problem, but since you didn't voice your frustration, the annoyance leaked out and caused Jane to become angry with you.  Being passive-aggressive really tempered all possibilities of a bad outcome here right?  I'm not suggesting that you voice every complaint that pops into your head.  After all, some days we are just in overreact mode; however, if you do have a valid issue then putting it on the table in a rational and cool fashion is the best approach.  Why?  Well if you can make a valid argument for your grievance then it's likely that you will be understood, agreed with and the problem will be fixed (or at least improved upon).  Then you can move on with your day and avoid creating another problem.   Doesn't your problem deserve the spotlight?  Do you really want to lessen its importance by having a second issue to address on top of your own?  People who take a mature approach to addressing their concerns not only actually have the issue dealt with, but they also command a great deal of respect from those around them.  Why not earn this same respect and alleviate your problems from the get go.  Say no to acting like a child by saying no to passive-aggressive behavior. Not only will your problems thank you, but so will everyone else.

Sunday Brunch for Thought

So as we know today we "sprung forward" and lost an hour of sleep; but we are gaining an hour of light for the season to come.  With spring just a week away (for those of you who know about my countdown since December 21st) our world is going to be lighter, brighter and certainly better.  What will you do to make this new season lighter, brighter or better for yourself?

The "Oy" In Joy

Yesterday's brunch post briefly discussed that the word joy has a hidden "oy" or unpleasant expression in its spelling.  What does this mean?  How does this relate to us?  Perhaps most importantly, is Positivb trying to ruin the wonderful word joy?  Well the answer to that last question is certainly not.  However, I do what to bring some clarity to the idea that the road to getting to that place of joy is not always fabulous.  Lets look at this example- summer is coming up and you want to get in shape for swimsuit season.  So a diet and exercise are the prescription here.  Now giving up your favorite foods and going through intense workouts are the "oy" here.  But, when you step out on the beach feeling great about yourself a few months later then there's your joy.  In my coaching work with clients I always explain that the road to creating a better life is not easy- but the final result is well worth the effort.  Besides, the joy we feel from having to endure a bit is certainly greater than the joy we feel from having to barely endure at all.  The ends really do justify the means when feeling joy is concerned.  Tough it out through the "oy" and get excited about feeling the joy.

Sunday Brunch for Thought

The word JOY is a super positive expression of great happiness.  We all generally strive to be in this state and relish the times that it's present in our lives.  The term "oy" is a Yiddish expression which means something to the degree of "oh boy" relating to something unpleasant.  In my new ventures with vocabulary I've been studying and dissecting words and came across "joy."  Being Jewish I immediately saw the oy and then started to think about how "oy" can certainly be a part of Joy.  Tomorrow I'll share my thoughts with you about that.  For today's brunch for thought- how do you see the "oy" in joy?

Words of Choice

I'd like to begin by thanking brilliant Erin Veltman for giving me this topic for today's post.  If any of you ever have ideas for me to write about please email me!

Have you ever found yourself saying, "it sounded a lot better in my head."  Or, have you ever said something and then realized that what came out wasn't what you meant at all? So language- more specifically using language, is one of the most complicated processes in our lives.  In our heads we have this great idea but communicating this idea to the world can be difficult.  In this situation there's no need to blame yourself, blame language instead.  English is very tricky.  Words that are considered "synonyms" are hardly that.  Let's take this example.  Your friend is going on vacation.  You say to her, "Are you prepared for your trip?" or "Are you ready for your trip?"  Think about how those both sound.  The "prepared" hints that there may be a negative element associated with the travel.  While the "ready" hints that the trip will be a positive experience.  Now ready and prepared are considered synonyms, but they certainly don't give the same feel to a sentence.  The feel that your sentences give can make or break your message; this is why it's so important to gain a better understanding and handle on language.  Using words to deliver your intended message will allow your communication to flow more smoothly; it can also increase your persuasive abilities.  There are countless key words that we should use in our vocabularies in place of common words we use without thinking twice.  During my NLP training, we learned about these key words and making better use of our language.  Since that training I can confidently say that swapping certain words for others has given me quite an advantage, perhaps even an unfair one.  This spring I will be doing a workshop teaching those vocabulary secrets.  I will keep you posted on when that will be and if anyone is interested in attending/ receiving more info please email me at beth@bethsmolen.com.  Until then, watch what you say!

The Strong Should Get Stronger

Yesterday's Sunday Brunch for Thought asked you to think about if you'd rather make your strengths stronger or improve your weaknesses.  Right now I'm reading "Go Put Your Strengths to Work" by Marcus Buckingham.  One of the main points Buckingham makes is that we should accept that we have some natural given talents and also areas which we are weak in.  He suggests that we simply focus in on growing our strengths to their greatest capacity; trying to improve what we have difficulty with will not bring such dramatic results.  Besides, we are human and cannot expect to be perfect in every aspect of life. When Buckingham polled people as to if they'd rather strengthen their strengths or improve their weaknesses 59 percent said they wanted to improve their weaknesses and 41 percent wanted to grow their strengths.  These results were particularly dismaying to Buckingham as he believes that we should celebrate our natural talents instead of striving to be equally able in every area of life.  After all, if we all had an equal level of ability for everything how do we stand out among the crowd?  When we come to terms that we are better at certain things and then continue to hone our skills in those areas we create an individual brand in ourselves.  One major business strategy for success is to find a niche for yourself.  Why?  Because if you establish yourself as an expert in a field you are strong in people will seek you out for help in that particular area.  When we see a freckle on our arm that doesn't look right do we go to a General Practitioner or a Dermatologist?  Most of you will probably say Dermatologist because we want someone who specializes in our area of concern.  So back to my point about enhancing your strengths- doing this allows you to put yourself in a niche.  Also, much of what we are strong in (for the most part) is also enjoyable for us to do.  So instead of suffering through learning or improving skills that you just may never master, why not engage in what we feel masterful, confident and excited about doing?  Not sure about what your strengths really are?  Well for the next several days write down all the different activities that you do and then split them into what you enjoy and what you do not.  From the enjoyment side, breakdown each activity and find what skills, knowledge and talents are associate to the task.  This will help you gain an understanding of your strengths.  From there, work on incorporating more of these types of processes into your life.  This will allow you to begin growing your strengths and be on your way to becoming your own "boutique" brand.

Sunday Brunch for Thought

Today's fare is on the light side....Would you rather strengthen your strengths or improve your weaknesses?  Entree to follow tomorrow.  Happy Sunday!

Instant Growth

Today an old rap song came on the radio which I love and have not heard in a while; I Wish I Were Taller by Skee-Lo; it got me thinking about growth.  While I can't give a secret remedy as to how to physically shoot up a few inches, I can give a prescription for mental growth everyday.  Growth is stretching farther than what is within your comfort zone.  It is about expansion some capacity of yourself and giving yourself more of something.  So it is totally possible to grow yourself everyday.  It doesn't have to be anything major either; just learning a new fact is growth because you've expanded your mind.  The point is to keep improving yourself every single day.  Each week go for a range of growth, so on some days keep it small and other days really push your limits into a new place.  Remember new doesn't necessarily mean wonderfully amazing, but it does mean that you're going places, gaining knowledge and working toward an improved you.    

Sunday Brunch for Thought

Often when we feel overwhelmed by things we have to do we complain.  This complaining does not help us accomplish those tasks but instead keeps us from doing them because we are too busy complaining to actually get things done.  So if you stop complaining you'll free up extra time toward getting "x" done; as an added bonus once the tasks are done you won't have to complain about them any longer and will probably lift your mood (and stop annoying those around you.)  Happy Brunching...now get something done!

Shake and Bake

Do you remember the shake and bake commercials?  I do and that chicken always looked yummy, but today I've adapted a bread crumbs brand into my own motto for a more exciting life.  Today's weather in New York was really incredible.  At over 60 degrees in mid February, today was a dream and just what we've all been needing after braving the bitter cold for way to long.  This change in weather seemed to really affect everyone's personality and behavior.  People were very talkative about the subject and cheerful to boot.  I found myself more energized and able to do my every day tasks with greater enthusiasm.  My sister, a regular on the subway to and from work, called me at the end of the day and said she was walking back to Penn Station because "how could I not on a day like today."  She was far more pleasant at the end of today than I've seen her in a while.  Now I'll stop right here and say I'm not only suggesting a change in the weather can help shake up our mood; rather any positive change in our daily routines can help us have a more productive/enjoyable/fun day.  Routines become well just too routine and can take an enjoyable situation to bland and a bland situation to downright horrible.  If we simplify this even more, think of your favorite food.  Now I've been asked many times if I had to take one food to an island forever what would it be?  I find myself giving the same answer of sushi and frozen yogurt- yes that's not one food, it's two.  Why?  Well as much as I love both of those items I cannot imagine just having one of them for the rest of my life.  Even something I consider a favorite I cannot 100% commit myself to if there is no variety involved.  When it comes to the idea of shaking up your routine to get a better result or feeling from a situation, what's great is that we can fully take charge of the "shaking."  In speaking to countless people about their careers I've found that those who really love their jobs always mention that two days are never alike.  Have a clerical desk job with the same day to day tasks?  Change up the order you complete the tasks in or the chair you sit in, or buy brightly color pens/highlighers/post-its or even just changing the back ground of your computer can make such a difference.  For any type of relationship variety becomes so important as time goes on.  In that case doing new activities or changing up any routine you have going will add the element of novelty back which can reignite the fun spark.  Even for doing simple house work, putting on new music in the background or adding an extra element to the routine can certainly decrease the dull factor.  So shake up what you're doing and been doing and enjoy the revamped routine.

Your Own Valentines Day Success Story

Today is valentines day, and there's quite a bit of talk about it- you know what I'm referring to, and most of the discussion isn't on the positive side.  I've had a variety of valentines day experiences from classically mushy to bizarre to lonely to indifferent but this year I've figured out the secret to a successful valentines day.  One of the many amazing techniques NLP focuses on is called anchoring.  Simply put anchoring is when a certain stimulus causes a certain human behavioral/emotional reaction.  Anchoring can occur both accidentally and purposefully.  My favorite accidental example of anchoring was my aversion to cherries for 17 years up until last year.  When I was young I would get horrible ear infections.  I remember being out to dinner with my family and ordering a piece of cherry pie from my favorite restaurant.  At the very moment I ate the first bite of pie, I felt the awful beating in my ear meaning that I was getting an ear infection- from that day till just last year I refused to eat cherries.  Logically the cherries did not cause the ear infection but they were just the stimulus that happened to be in the picture the moment my ear infection started so I anchored myself in a cherry aversion, accidentally of course.  Purposeful anchoring happens when you impose a certain emotion on yourself and associate it with a certain trigger so that you can feel that emotion almost on command.  In my NLP training I learned how to enable my clients to feel any emotion they desire on command and in addition I can also do this to myself.  So how does this all tie into Valentines day?   Well it seems like everyone relies on another person to make or break their valentines day experience.  If you have the picture perfect valentines day then you're on cloud nine; if you're expectations aren't met in whatever capacity then it's a disappointing/lonely/miserable day.  If you're comparing it to last year or your best year or your worst year then who knows how great or awful you're feeling.  This emotional roller coaster that valentines day is associated with sounds about as appetizing as a the gelatin at the bottom of the gefilte fish jar- so let's change or anchor valentines day as a positive experience forever.  I just put together my facebook page for Beth Smolen Life Coaching on Saturday.  I could have launched it that day but I decided to wait until today to do it.  Why?  Because launching it is a big deal for me; it makes me really proud/happy/ excited for myself.  So why not do something wonderful for myself on Valentines day so I get whatever fabulous feeling the hallmark cards suggest I get?  Now for the next year and perhaps forever, Valentines day will be marked in my mind as the day I put my professional self in the public eye on facebook and that's something for me to smile about.  I've created that positive association with the holiday on my own; and perhaps I'll have other people doing special things for me on this day, but either way I created my own Valentines day success story.  You can make V-day enjoyable as well by doing something great for yourself too.  So your happiness on February 14th no longer lies in anyone else's hands; knowing exactly what will make you happy and doing it for you will ensure an amazing from here on in.  Happy Valentines Day...please help make my day a little better by clicking the like button on my facebook page below. Beth Smolen Life Coaching

Beating the Post Vacation Blues

Sorry this post is coming so late!  Last week I returned home (NY) from San Diego....rather I returned from a consistently sunny, dry 74 degrees daily to a frozen over 24 degree Artic conditions zone.  While I was away, my friends and family said "not to come back" all in a joking fashion, but I knew that I was headed for disappointment when I boarded my plane back to New York.  Now I absolutely love NY; I don't think I can see myself living anywhere else.  I've done my fair share of traveling and visited some great places, but overall none compare to my NY and I've accepted this.  But, was coming home from "happiness" weather to "gloomy" weather difficult for me?  Absolutely.  I call this "post vacation blues."  I know most if not all of you are familiar with this feeling.  Think about how much you want to escape everything just days before you are about to go away.  Now when you finally return from that trip, chances are getting back into the daily grind will be substantially more difficult (and perhaps depressing) than before you left.  If you've had the vacation from hell, returning home will be joyous, but for the rest of us it can be plain difficult to resume normal life.  So how do we combat this?  Well if you love your home like I do, or at the very least find some aspects enjoyable (and being that you live there I'm sure there are elements you love) then returning back means rediscovering or reminding yourself why you've chosen to live in this location.  This means go to your favorite restaurant or get your favorite take-out.  Get together with friends for a fun night out.  Do the activities you enjoy the most ie visit a museum, sporting event or go to your favorite store for some retail therapy.  The point is, reunite yourself with all the aspects of home that make it amazing; remind yourself of all the joy that is there.  Wallowing in sadness and constantly reminding yourself of how much better your life was a week ago while you were away will only further depress you.  Unless you've returned home from Mykonos, Acapulco or Paris to collect your belongings for relocation,  the end of a trip is just that (it's not the end of your life).  So take your vacation, enjoy yourself and then fall in love with where you live.

Sunday Brunch for Thought

Hi everyone!  So having come back from sunny, warm, dry California to literally frozen over New York has been quite a change.  It's crazy how weather affects the way you feel about life and day to day activities.  The term "post vacation depression" is pretty familiar now a days, especially when people from colder climates return from their tropical vacations.  How do you combat the after vacation blues?